Written by: PACT adopters

We have two children both of whom have fact to face contact with their birth-mothers. When we tell anyone the immediate reaction is, “That must be very difficult for you”. In some ways, yes it is, but probably not in the sense that you or they are thinking!

Background
Our son was placed with us in 1997 when he was just four years old. Prior to coming to live with us he had, during his time in Foster Care, regularly seen his birth mother. She was and still is, a significant part of his life, even though she is unable to care for him from day to day. We meet with our son’s birth mother twice a year.
Last year, 2000, we began to thinks about a second child. One of the most important matching considerations for us as a family, was that any child invited into our family, should have the same opportunity as our son to have face to face contact with their birth mother. This would give the children equal status in this respect.
Our daughter was placed in 2001 when she was four and a half. Again, she had during her period in Foster Care, had regular contact with her birth mother. Although a significant part of our daughter’s life, she is unable to care for her from day to day. We agreed to meet with our daughter’s birth mother twice a year.
We met with each birth mother during introductions, with Social Workers present, but without children. In both cases it was an emotional but vital meeting for us all. We felt very anxious before both meetings, but the birth mothers were even more so. The meeting gave the birth mother the opportunity to ask questions of us and to visualise her child with us in the future. We were able to ask her about the child and any aspirations she may have had for them. Sometimes, it is only the birth mother who can tell you what the child’s first word was, when she took her first step or when her first tooth appeared. These were painful and sad meetings, but beneficial.
Our experience with our son’s birth mother taught us that she understandably wanted to bring sweets and presents for him to contact. Over the years we have encouraged her to bring a small inexpensive gift, such as a packet of crayons and a colouring book and only a small packet of sweets. We try to be gentle but firm and help them to understand that we are now responsible for the child.